Heart Chakra, Solar Chakra

Past 5 months…

I really must get better with blogging! Every day I blog in my head, but never really find the time to sit down and blog. . I always end up doing paperwork, but that’s beside the point of this blog.
Today I want to talk about the past 5-month journey I’ve endured. Sometime in October I found out I was expecting my very own jelly bean. I had a lot of mixed emotions, my idea of how I wanted to live my life, well…. “Kids” just want quite in the picture. Everyone around me was filled with excitement except for me. The thought of having a carry a kid absolutely scared me, but the idea of aborting one just was never an option either. Throughout this journey I became depressed. Frequent crying spells, isolating myself, lack of concentration, feeling hopeless, sleeping awfully a lot, and bad anxiety. I never thought in a million years something that should be full of excitement and beautiful can make a person feel so down. I knew I wasn’t going to be successful in my graduate program, so I withdrew from courses.
I found myself reflecting a lot on how working in the mental health field, you educate you clients on their mental health diagnosis as well as teaching them ways to cope. Then you wonder why everyday your clients struggle to manage and cope with their symptoms. I couldn’t cope or manage because I wasn’t ready too, I was in denial, I didn’t take my mental state serious. It’s so much easier to be miserable than to put forth effort to be happy or to enjoy life. My doctor didn’t want to prescribe me medication because she knew that I would over these symptoms/feelings… and I did! I had to start using the material I teach my clients. I had to accept that I’m pregnant. I asked myself several times, “when’s the right time to have a baby, has anyone ever been prepared?” I had to write down the pros and cons of my situation and I realized that the pros outweighed the cons. I began to pay attention to my body! Hearing the baby’s heartbeat, feeling those little kicks, staring ultrasound pictures… The process grew on me, I started to smile more, I began to exercise often, and meditate.
I can now say I’m absolutely excited to meet my little jelly bean when the time comes! I no longer feel down about my decision or carrying this child. My ideal of how I want to live my life has the same goals, but now includes being a great mother and loving this baby unconditionally!

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Crown Chakra, Heart Chakra, Root Chakra, Sacral Chakra, Solar Chakra, Third Eye Chakra, Throat Chakra

Reflection of 2017

Going into and maintaining throughout the year of 2017 has been the toughest task of my life.  “Dont expect others to value you as much as you value yourself” -Moore. 2017 started off with a break/separation that was long over due from one person I expected to cherish me the most. December 16, 2016 I moved out of a home I shared with my “other half” into my own space. Living alone on my own for the first time in life was pretty depressing starting off. I struggled with having steady income, being behind in school and failing courses in graduate school. My self-esteem hit rock bottom and I was completely unhappy with life. One day I began to write in my box and the first thing I wrote to myself was ” Self-love and Self-care, learn it”. From that moment I no longer wanted to dwell on what was and I decided to stop stressing over little things.

“Growth is a must. Starve your distractions  and feed  your focus” – Eball. It was time to focus and find things that made me happy and learn to be independent without depending/needing the presence of others.  So I did that! I recorded my progress in my box. I decided to delete all social media for a year, take a break from school and just go on this self exploration journey! Mission accomplished…. 2017 I renewed my passport and traveled to two places out the country I’ve never been and one recurring place. I traveled to over 20 new states this year.

“The more we learn, the more we learn, the more we have to learn” K. Anderson. As the year progressed I’ve learned more and more about myself. I’ve learned how to be humble (hardest task ever)  I’ve learned happiness, I’ve learned how to meditate properly and become more grounded, I’ve learned inner peace, I’ve learned that I wear my emotions on my sleeve and talking to someone always helps. I’ve learned not to take things serious, I am no longer AS agressive as I use to be, I’ve learned that I gain satisfaction by seeing other happy. I’ve learned to give advice, I’ve learned to be more productive with my job, I’ve learned coping skills from work that I was able to utilize for myself.

Lastly I learned “true love = trust = health = promise = faith = unity = peace = mind = strength = forgiveness = life = you”-Amal. Best part about my struggle was having the support from work and my friends. Always surround yourself with positive beings! Any obstacle is nothing more but a life lesson. A year full of chaos was nothing more than a beautiful struggle I endured on my own.

Everyone knows that I grew as the only child and spoiled. But my mom cut the cord once I graduated from undergraduate school. I accomplished so much on my own this year (even though I graduated two years ago). I am ending 2017 with positivity and a smile. OOOOHHHH I also learned that I am expecting and I looking forward to meeting my little one when that time comes. In 2018 my goal is to be a more balanced individual and an awesome mom!!!

 

“Remember to love selflessly not selfishly”

12/31/2017

p.s All quotes came from my box of 2017 from co-workers and family members! thank you guys again.

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Crown Chakra, Solar Chakra

Loc’Versary

I’m a little late on some post I’ve been extremely busy and I have zero time management skills.

As of July 13, 2017, marks three years of my Loc journey. These three years has been tough, but it taught me how to love myself unconditionally. When I started my locs I was excited to have them, until no one around me ever had anything nice to say about them. My self-esteem hit rock bottom and I constantly questioned if I made a mistake. The thought of cutting my hair off and starting over just wasn’t an option for me anymore. As the process progressed I started to hate how I looked and I felt completely hideous…. Every day I received unacceptable comments from my friends, family and even my work place. It’s like when you meet someone new the first thing they look at was my hair I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. A year passed, then they began to grow on me, I had my days where I would stare at myself in the mirror for hours practicing positive statements (e.g “Fatima you are a beautiful black queen”). At one point, I was wearing make-up excessively to make up for my insecurities and everyone who knows me know I’m not a huge fan of make-up. Second year came around and I started not to care about what others thought, my dad had Locs my entire life and as a Rastamon he never tried to fit into society means. Growing up in mix cultural family no matter where in the world whether in Jamaica or here in American having locs were never accepted, they are considered dreadful, dirty and whatever else people came up with. He told me I had to start loving myself in order to feel real beauty. My dad and I aren’t really so his advice meant a lot to me, yet he was the only one who ever made me feel good about my journey. My locs started to grow longer every couple of months and after a while the compliments started, at this point I didn’t care if anyone had something mean or nice to say about my hair. I am completely in love with my Locs and how I look with them. There’s nothing dreadful about my locs and I am quick to comment when people refer to my hair as “dreadlocks”
I am my hair and pretty girls do Loc!

 

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Solar Chakra

Stop impressing…

Lately. . . .

After reflecting on my day and reading this quote, I realized that when I interact with certain individuals in particular settings I attempt to impress them. 

Now I’m questioning why do I do that? Why don’t I realize it at that given moment? Was I attention seeking ? Was this apart of my insecurities? 

Why am I attempting to impress? 

Trying to impress others does nothing but hurt the individual trying to hard. I’m realizing that I don’t surround myself around individuals who think highly of me, so I try to change people perception of me. I tend to feel like I don’t fit in or I can’t be myself around others. Sadly when I’m around people you might think I should be comfortable around I feel the same. I feel like I’m not loved, unappreciated, unnoticed, etc…

How I would address the issue moving forward

My actions stem from a lack of confidence and an abundance of insecurities. I have to try focusing on how to build up my self-confidence, becoming more open minded, accepting things for what they are, and increasing self-awareness. 

For those who can relate keep in mind that you are perfect no matter what emotions you’re feeling. No need to impress when you’re already impressive! 

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